Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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