I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
