so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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