Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
