On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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