Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
