god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
