Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
