So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
