Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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