Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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