At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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