Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
