dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
