i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
