Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
