I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
