if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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