my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
