Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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