So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
