My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
