a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
