Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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