the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
