Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
