So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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