so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
