just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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