I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
