Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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