Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
