i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I woke up under a house in Key West
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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