Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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