I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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