i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
