Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
