True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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