He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
