I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
