So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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