Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My vagina just recognized that song.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
