Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
