I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
mondays should just be called national damage control day
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
