found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
