Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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