i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
