"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
