I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
