I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
